There is a reliable set of these. They are the ones that come back later if they are left vague, and they are almost always left vague for the same reason: it is more comfortable to assume agreement than to test it.
Do not attempt them in one evening. One area at a time, both of you answering before either responds.
Money
- What do we each earn, owe, and have? Actual figures, not ranges.
- Joint, separate, or both — and what can each of us spend without a conversation?
- What did money feel like in the house each of us grew up in?
- What are we each most afraid of financially?
- What do we give — to family, community, tzedakah — and who decides the amount?
- What do we assume Jewish education will cost, and have we checked?
That last one is frequently the largest unexamined number in the whole conversation. More in the money article.
Children
- How many, and what happens if it turns out to be harder than expected?
- How are they raised Jewishly — specifically, not in principle?
- Day school, Hebrew school, or neither? Who pays?
- What is the rule when a child at fourteen wants to do less than one of us expects?
- Does either of us expect to reduce work? Which of us, and what does that do to everything else?
The Jewish home
- What does an ordinary Friday night look like in our house?
- What is our kitchen, exactly — and whose standard is that?
- Synagogue: who goes, how often, and what does Saturday look like for the one who does not?
- If one of us becomes more observant over time, or less, what have we agreed now?
- Is there a question of practice or status we should bring to a rabbi together rather than settling between ourselves?
Family
- How often do we see each set of parents, and who decides that?
- When our families and our marriage want different things, what is our rule?
- Who speaks to whose parents about something difficult?
- What goes to our families about our marriage, and what does not?
- Where are we for the holidays, and whose expectations are we disappointing?
Work and place
- Whose career moves first if the two conflict?
- Where do we live, and how close to which family?
- What does an ordinary week look like — hours, travel, evenings?
Conflict
- What does each of us do when we are upset, and what do we need from the other in that moment?
- Does one of us need to step away before we can talk? How do we agree to come back?
- What did arguments look like in each of our parents’ houses?
That last question is more revealing than it sounds. Most people import their parents’ conflict style without noticing, and naming it early takes a great deal of heat out of the first few years.
Health and history
- Is there anything about our health, or in our families, the other should know before committing?
- Have we discussed genetic screening? Ashkenazi, Sephardic and Mizrahi populations each carry elevated risk for particular conditions, and pre-conception carrier screening is widely available and recommended by medical bodies. Your doctor, not a website, is the right source here.
- Is there anything either of us has not said that would matter?
How to have these well
Separately first. Both write an answer before either speaks, or the second person calibrates to the first and you will both believe you agree more than you do.
Stay on the strong reaction. If a question produces heat, that is the finding. Do not move on to be comfortable.
Do not settle for a form of words. “We will figure it out” is not an agreement. It is an agreement to have the argument later, with more at stake.
The Questions Before Engagement tool builds the version that applies to you — adding specific questions if either of you has children, has been married before, lives in a different city, or if there is a meaningful gap in observance. If a conversation keeps stalling, that is what Pre-Marriage Alignment coaching is for.